June 2, 2014

Mom is gone: May 23 2014.  I can tell you many things now a week later, and one is: at the first sign of their decline start taking care of yourself. If you have a weak link, and we all do, shore that up immediately. Even though I knew she was going, and had lost her mentally 18 months ago, the shock of her not being in this world is tremendous. It’s good actually, and that will sound strange to many of you, and it’s another entirely long story but briefly, we did not have a healthy relationship. Many mothers and daughters do not, but mine was not good because of my parents’ divorce when I was 10. She latched on to me and made me her “companion” and lived my life. So now I am free. Free finally at last to have my own life and to devote my time to my husband. He has been amazing. All these years of putting up with my ties to her. It was a sick dance but I learned it at 10 from my teacher/mother and it was the only way I knew to live my life.

I find each day that I am still off kilter. The world as I knew it for 52 years has changed. 

May 22, 2014

Mom has started her journey out of this world. It began on Tuesday May 20th; fortunately I was there to take her laundry in and observed someone working on her behind the privacy curtain. I was quite and listened and heard this woman being really gentle and kind to my mom. It was wonderful. She was giving her a bed bath and talking to her with respect and kindness. WOW! That was great to hear. To know that someone who’s “job” it was to care for her was being really kind and caring was a great joy to me.  I hung up her clothes and waited until they were finished and then went in to see mom. Caroline said “something is not right with her today”. So this is when it started. Caroline notified the staff at the skilled nursing facility and texted the hospice nurse. Everyone was there right away tending to mom. They determined that she was failing and started medication her so that she had no pain.  Her symptoms are that her respiration rate is decreased and her cognition is very low. I was able to see her eyes one more time and ask her where it hurts and then for the past 2 days I have only watched her slowly decline. The body’s ability to hang on is amazing.

The Chaplain came and we all surrounded her bed and prayed and we talked to her about going on and leaving this crappy old body behind and off to see our loved ones that have already passed, etc. But she is going to get all the mileage out of this old car to the very last second…..