March 20, 2013 Wednesday

I have to tell you it’s so very difficult some days to be tolerant of the disease behavior. For instance; mom cannot even make the distinction between I want to get up and I need help getting up and I have to push the call button for help. What!  you might think? Yes, it’s sad but true; the brain can be so damaged that to string the thoughts necessary for the simplest things may not still be there.  So, then it’s your job to stay calm and helpful, Right.  Some days that is not possible, and that is when you may make up a reason and leave. It’s not fair to them. 

I wish I could think of all the things that I want to write here to give you a heads up and some insight into this world of living with the end of life stage of a loved one. I can tell you that before this stroke that my mom and I had a very strained relationship and now it’s better than it’s been in years. She was “Negative Nellie” and in pain all the time. I had exhausted all the doctors in the city of San Diego and Escondido too.  Now, the pain is gone. Completely. That is the only silver lining in the whole thing. She was VERY difficult to be around for any period of time. I could literally take about 10 minutes and then I was ready to scream. 

Now, she is a kitten to a great extent, and so dependent on others for everything she needs.  You would think she would be angry; I know I am angry and would be even more so if I were in her shoes. I have given her major doses of Star of Bethlehem and some amino acids that could be easing the depression.  So, my point is; YOU have to be very patient and compassionate with people in her situation but there are breaking points, so you have to take care of yourself and just leave and come back when you are in a better frame of mind.  

Mom asked for her meals to be in her room from here on out. There are only 2 people in the room right now since I assume the other person (the crying woman) is in the hospital since all of her belongings are still in the room.  So I asked the nurse to make this happen. We will see. 

Lots of my frustration has been the staff at the SNF and you have to, of course, handle that separately

Every day I wonder is this it? The day she dies in her sleep? I hope so. 

At 3:00 I got a call from the director and she told me in a nut shell that she had contacted 14 places and at one of them they “might” be able to take mom. So, now I need to go there and look at the place and let her know. I am really torn at this point; b/c mom is declining so much so fast I do not feel like a move would be tolerable to her.  I’ll go look at the facility but I am not sure what the best is for mom. She tells me with her eyes and a few words that she does not like the conditions in the room but what is the new place is worse in other ways?  I am telling you know. Figure this all out way before the time comes that you need this for yourself or your folks.  The director was very nice and I truly believe, and that’s saying a lot, that she cares and is trying to help us at this point.